My first crush I had when I was 6. T still remembered his name was Paul. It was year 1995 at Brynmill Primary School, Swansea, Wales where my first crush was a black-haired, albino skin type boy. That was the time I know how it feels like to like the opposite gender. Then I grew up having several crushes until the time comes when crushes turns into likes and the feeling of wanting someone to care about you, protect you, and be that special one for you. In other words, Boyfriend lah..I'd be lying if I said that I never intend to have one, of course ada la kan niat tu but who would want the selekeh, pimpled shy me, harapan lah adlin :p...Then after school those feelings became more and more blooming. It started during my matriculation days, where the term 'coupling' is applied..what the hell am I talking about?ok I lied. Its not coupling.. more to 'I like you, but I don't want to have a relationship with you'. Let time decide..kalau ada jodoh tu ada la kan...
Then Mr Matric didn't work out for us..all I know was I didn't want to ruin his future. and yes maybe I did make the right choice because he did found the right one and I heard they are getting married soon. Good for you my friend :)
Moving on to Mr Automotive, my senior at college. The biggest mistake I ever made. The time where I challenged myself to have a boyfriend pada hakikatnya saya tak perlu pon. Its the environment that forces me to do so. Tengok keliling aku dok couple dengan orang sama U and sama fakulti buat ak pressure je..apa ingat aku tak leh dapat boyfriend gak ke. That's why I define my actions as foolish and stupid. And one reason that saya boleh tahan dengan his really big temper is tak nak malu dengan kawan2 dia..2nd stupid point..
After that I realised that I should get married fast.I think I went through enough... Asyik dok menggatal je..I should stop being such a b***h...My first plan is to find a guy and make an agreement that we should get married on date ****** (undecided sebab xde calon lagi) then contact or tak contact depends on us. Nak contact sebulan sekali pon xde hal..at least kurang dosa..tanya2 kabar bakal suami sebulan sekali pon ape salahnya..but if plan A didn't work out..calon yg nak bersetuju tak jumpa..(yela saya xhot payah la nak jumpa calon) we go to plan B.. arrange marriage.. itu pon ok..mama2 saya mahu kawen..hehe...kalau itu juga tidak berhasil, maka saya akan lakukan proses taaruf..sweet juga cara ini..
Why am I talking about marriage?because I am in the situation that I should get married..bukan menggatal, tapi tak salah kan mempercepatkan yg halal..saya takut saya makin jauh dengan Allah, saya takut saya lalai, saya perlukan Imam dalam hidup saya. I have to carry so much pain that I'm afraid I can't even hold it longer enough. I'm scared if I fall, I won't be able to stand again.
Ya Allah, kuatkanlah hambaMu ini. Jika benar aku perlu mempercepatkan diri untuk menghadapi sebuah perkahwinan, tunjukkanlah jalanMu itu..
Disaat- saat aku tengah mentally down, a good friend of mine asked me to perform solat istikharah, saya mulanya takut sebab saya takut dengan tafsiran mimpi tapi kawan saya cakap 'jangan takut untuk buat, bukan makna nak tunggu kahwin baru boleh buat. ko paham kan. kalau nak ketenangan, wat tahajud. wat qiam. mintak petunjuk dekat Allah..merayulah,menangislah ketika doa kepada Dia"..thanx kawan..at times like this I really need someone to talk to.
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